


Dysfunction

by Spcdermcn



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Aunt May isn't dead, Field Trip, Flash gets a redemption, Flash isn't that bad, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Peter is the tour guide, Peter lives with the Avengers, Pietro Maximoff Lives, Self-Indulgent, Superfamily, endgame therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-03-13 13:36:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18942064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spcdermcn/pseuds/Spcdermcn
Summary: Peter normally likes being the tour guide at Stark Industries,Not this time.Obligatory Field Trip to SI fic





	1. Rest in Spaghetti, Never Forgetti

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfic so please enjoy!  
> Also, Kudos and comments would mean so much to me  
> Love you all:)
> 
> Also, I'm Australian, so I apologise in advance for anything that is spelt weirdly, sorry!

Aunt May had asked Peter to get home quickly as she had some important news. Apparently, this important news was that she had to go to Europe for a year.

"A year!" Peter cried, "But what about school, Ned, MJ, I can't just leave them all. Aunt May, what about Spider-Man?" Though Peter privately was thrilled at the fact that he might finally get away from Eugene "Flash" Thompson, his self-proclaimed nemesis.

"No, Peter," Aunt May shrugged, "It would just be me going."

The teen wondered what would happen to him. He voiced this thought out loud.

"I called Mr Stark, and explained it all, and he said he would be delighted to let you stay in the penthouse at the Stark tower with the rest of the Avengers. Isn't that wonderful!" she said. "Now the reason I wanted you home early is that I have to leave in three days, and I want you prepared and moved in. Tony said he would send Happy round, and told me to tell you that he already has everything but your clothes at the tower already. So go pack your bags, and then we'll be off."

Peter walked to his room, shell-shocked. He was going to be living with the Avengers for an entire year! Ned would absolutely flip when he found out. Now, where did Peter leave his favourite science pun shirt?

 

\---

Two months later

\---

 

Peter was usually late to school, but he could honestly say that his lateness was rarely because he slept through his alarm clock. He was out very late the night before patrolling and trying to find a lost labrador named Thor. (He also then had to take some photos with him and upload them to Spider-Man's Instagram and Twitter accounts. But he conveniently left that part out when telling Tony what took him so long.)

"Morning, Cap, have you seen my chemistry textbook anywhere?" Peter yawned as he ran across the room in a rush. "Shit, I'm going to be late again."

Captain America himself looked up from his breakfast, muttered one word, "Language," chucked a big book at the kid, and continued eating his breakfast, but not before giving Peter a hug, and a cookie he stole from Bucky - not that the ex-assassin would mind.

As Peter raced across the living room to get to the door, Scarlet Witch gave him a hug goodbye and advised him to work hard, and the legendary Black Widow handed him his lunch, along with a cup of coffee, which Peter almost immediately inhaled.

"Have a good day, маленький паук," the woman kissing the boy on the top of his head, and straightening his collar.

"See you later, мама паук," Peter responded, still not over the fact that Natasha Romanoff made his lunch every day, and even had a special nickname for him. Hawkeye popped up from the sofa and shouted, "Kick someone's ass today, kiddo!" Peter rolled his eyes, as Pepper Potts smacked the archer on the head, leaving Clint wincing. Natasha whispered to the teen as he walked away, "If anyone is a prick to you, ever, let me know, and I won't hesitate to ruin their life." Such sentiments from the deadly assassin made his heart go all warm and fuzzy.

 As he headed out the door, he heard a laugh, a familiar voice snickered,

"Good luck at school today, Underoos," the man laughed again, leaving Peter wondering what the hell was up with Tony Stark now. His thoughts plagued him all the way as he walked to school - he absolutely refused to be driven by Happy to school, the idea of arriving in a limousine and gathering everyone's attention made him feel nauseous. He was drawn from his thoughts about his possible impending doom, by Ned Leeds, Peter's best friend, informing the spider boy that he recently acquired a 5000 piece Lego set of the Millennium Falcon, which distracted Peter as he walked into school, making plans about when to build such an important part of the Star Wars universe.

 

\---

 

As the bell rang that signified the end of class, Peter hastily stuffed his books and laptop into his bag.

"Wait a minute class, I have a very exciting announcement," Ms Warren called, stopping the students in their tracks. "As you all should know, we held an essay contest for a once in a lifetime field trip. It is my great privilege to announce the winner's of the competition." Most of the class held their breath, as Midtown field trips were legendary, and they were all hoping to be chosen. Ned was practically vibrating with anticipation. Peter, on the other hand, could not care less, he couldn't and didn't enter the contest because he would have to be working at his (legitimate!) Stark internship.

However, he was still hoping the Ned would get the opportunity. "Drumroll, please," the teacher said. The class complied. "Congratulations to Michelle Jones, Cindy Boon, Abraham Brown, Betty Brant, Sally Avril, Ned Leeds, and Eugene Thompson." Beside Peter, Ned inflated with excitement, then deflated as soon as he heard Flash's name. Peter felt bad for his friend, he wouldn't wish extra time with Flash on anyone.

"Now, the moment you have been waiting for, the destination." Ned resumed vibrating. "The competition winners have won the incredible chance to tour Stark Tower, more commonly known as the Avenger's Tower!" Peter was starting to feel genuinely worried that Ned might actually vibrate off his chair when his friend turned to him and started chattering at a million miles a minute.

"Dude, will you be ther-what about the Avengers, will we see t-oh my god I might actually meet Captain fucking America! Dude-"

Peter, used to this babbling finally managed to cut him off, answering, "Yes I'll be there, but I'll make sure to stay out of your way, most of the Avengers will be there, I honestly have no idea if you'll see them, and in the unlikely chance that you see Cap, do not swear around him. Also, dude, why are you so pumped, you literally have slept overnight at the tower and met them all."

"I know but duuudeee," Ned whined. Peter gave up.

"Oh, Peter, can I have a word?" Ms Warren said as Ned and Peter were exiting the classroom.

Peter gestured for Ned to go ahead and he would talk to him later. "I know you're not coming on the trip on Saturday, but I just want to let you know that Flash will drag your name at SI."

Peter was perplexed, "Ms, are you saying you don't believe me?"

"Of course not, Peter, it's the exact opposite. Mr Stark came to the school and explained both parts of your internship, why do you think we are never surprised when you show up late or bruised, or explain that you can't come to an event?"

Peter was shocked, "I guess I thought no one really cared or believed me, but what does this have to do with the field trip?" Ms Warren smiled, "As everyone knows, Flash doesn't really believe in your internships. Mr Stark has an AI watching everyone correct?" Peter nodded. "should anything happen, Mr Stark said he would be informed immediately, and come to deal with it. I just wanted to let you know in advance."

The teen vigilante was still amazed that his teacher knew about his night time adventures, so the boy just mutely nodded. "And who knows, maybe we will see you on Saturday." With that, Ms Warren winked and walked out of the room.

As Peter exited the classroom and walked towards his best friend, he heard a "Penis, Hey, Penis, Parker I'm talking to you," from behind him.

"What do you want Flash," Peter sighed, still occupied with his own thoughts.

"I just wanted to let you know that on Saturday when I meet Tony Stark, I'll tell him about your 'internship' and we'll see if your st."

Knowing it was highly unlikely that Tony himself would be seen on a high school field trip, and comfortable in the knowledge that in the minute chance Flash did get the opportunity to inquire about his 'false' internship, Iron Man himself would shut down Flash exceptionally quickly. Taking comfort in these facts, Peter replied, "Go for it, Eugene."

Flash looked taken aback at the new confidence Peter showed when he'd usually just try to ignore the other boy. Because of this hesitation, there was enough time for Peter to take advantage of Flash's distraction, and manage to slip out from his grasp and sprint out of the school, past a few blocks, to where Happy was waiting with the car. He slid into the luxurious vehicle, opened his phone, and tried to text Ned to tell him the good/bad news.

 

_Losers_

[3:30 pm] **Yeeter parkour** : So the principle and Ms Warren know abt me being spidey??? Wtf

 

[3:32 pm] **Chair dude** : Im sorry what

[3:33 pm] **head loser** : Hey losers you know this is a gc right?

[3:34 pm] **Yeeter Parkour** : fuck Mr Stark is gonna kill me

[3:35 pm] **Yeeter Parkour** : no im not spider-man what are you talking about

[3:35 pm] **Yeeter Parkour** : sksksks I could never be as cool and as handsome as him

[3:36 pm] **Chair dude** : yeah spider-parker could never be peter-man that’s riduculous

[3.37 pm] **Yeeter Parkour** : thanks a lot ned

[3:38 pm] **head loser** : calm down nerds I already knew about Spider-Man and that u live in the avenger's tower

[3:39 pm] **Yeeter Parkour** : THAT'S WORSE,,,,,HOW skskssksk

[3:39 pm] **head loser** : you literally talked abt stealing cpt americas shield in gym, and u conveniently where missing in DC when spiderman showed up

[4:00 pm] **Yeeter Parkour** : It's Spider-Man not spiderman ffs michelle

[4:01 pm] **Chair dude** : Hey MJ u excited to visit peter's home on Friday?

[4:01 pm] **Yeeter Parkour** : this is the timeline that god abandoned

[4:02 pm] **Chair dude** : Rest in spaghetti

[4:03 pm] **head loser** : never forgetti

 

[4:27 pm] **Chair dude** : wait one fucking second dude can we get back to the bit where teachers know ur identity???

 

 

 

 


	2. I'm running on spite and fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the start of the tour !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor panic attack/sensory overload in this chapter
> 
> Also, I've barely slept, and no one has beta-read this chapter, so I apologise for any errors!

  
When Peter arrived home from school, he entered through the lobby, swiped his pass and listened to F.R.I.D.A.Y announce him,   
"Peter Parker, CLASSIFIED, Personal Intern to Tony Stark. Alpha 10." Peter stepped into the luxurious elevator with a big 'A' on the floor - the Avenger's personal elevator, pressed the P button and exited the lift into the lobby of the Avenger's private penthouse. As he walked through the living room, he stopped to say hi to Clint and Sam, who were playing Mario Kart, with Steve cheering Sam on - even if he didn’t understand the game - and Sam losing horribly. Peter said hi to the three before moving through the kitchen. Bucky was in there, and he was decorating cupcakes. The older man slid one across the counter, and Peter was quick to inhale it.  
"Mhm dah weay goo" Peter moaned, talking with his mouth stuffed with the food.  
Bucky smirked in reply, "Sorry, could you repeat that?"   
"I said, that's really good." Peter replied cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment, "Have you ever thought about opening up a bakery? You'd get lots of customers." Bucky smiled softly at the younger boy, ruffled his hair and told him to go do his homework so he could finish icing the baked goods. Peter was extremely happy to leave if it meant more deliciousness later.

\---

As Peter was at his desk still working when F.R.I.D.A.Y sent an audio recording through from Tony,   
"Hey Kiddo, can you come out for dinner." Peter was on his feet and out the door in an instant, "F.R.I.D.A.Y, tell Mr Stark, I'm on my way," he asked as he slid down the corridor, into the lift, and down a floor to the communal living area.  
"Hey, Squirt," Rhodey called out, being the first to spot the spider-child, gesturing for him to come to join the table, "There's a seat next to Natasha and Wanda for you." As Peter slid into his chair, Wanda gave him a side hug while Natasha started talking.  
"Clint and I cooked tonight, so don't worry, it's edible." Anyone listening turned their eyes to Steve, Vision and Tony, the three notoriously bad cooks. Peter snorted and started eating the bourbon chicken prepared by the two super-spies.  
"So, Peter, anything interesting happen at school today?" Pepper asked, kindly.  
Peter shrugged, "Not really, except for finding out that MJ knows I live here and that I am Spider-Man." Before letting that news set in, he continued. "Also, although the essay contest winners are coming here on Saturday, so I'll make sure to stay out of there way. Also, when was anyone going to tell me the teachers know I'm Spider-man or was I just supposed to find that out from my teacher? "  
Natasha shrugged, "That was Tony's job, so go blame him." Tony's head perked up at the mention of his name, then did a double take.  
"Wait, it was your class that's having the tour?"  
"Yeah?" Peter replied, tentatively, "Why?' Tony looked guilty and mischievous, a combination more commonly seen on Loki's face, instantly making Peter suspicious.  
"Remember how you were complaining, and saying you were bored, so I took the initiative to sign you up to take over a few tours as a tour guide," Tony answered, slightly sheepishly. Everyone at the table let out a loud laugh at Peter's terrible luck. Peter couldn't believe what he was hearing. Did no one have any idea how embarrassing this would be, and his Spidey secret might be exposed! At voicing these thoughts, the teen was met with loud laughter once again.  
"Don't worry маленький паук, if anyone even comes close to revealing your secret, Wanda and I will take care of them," Natasha whispered under her breath just so the younger spider-themed superhero could hear her. The boy leaned into Natasha and gave her a hug. He really didn't know what he'd do without her. The loud background noise still continued, and with the knowledge that Peter would have to lead his class on Saturday, and his secret may be let out, Spider-Man started having a panic attack. Every noise was piercing his ears, the lights were too bright, he curled up on his chair and tried to block it all out. It was just too much. Wanda was the first to notice his distress. Knowing that every sense is impacted, including touch, Wanda used her powers to carry him out of the dining room and into the vigilante's bedroom, to help him calm down and recover, nodding at Natasha on the way out to let her know to keep everyone occupied.   
"Wanda?" The boy whispered quietly. "Thank you." Wanda smiled softly, pulled up his sheets, and tucked him in. She kissed him on his forehead, and walked out of the room, making sure F.R.I.D.A.Y had The Baby's Sleeping protocol in action. As Wanda turned, she came across Tony leaning on the opposite wall, looking stressed and incredibly guilty.   
"Is he- Is he okay?" He asked, hesitantly. "I should have noticed." Wanda took pity on the man.   
"He's okay, just another one of his panic attacks, he's was out like a light," the woman said.  
"It's all my fault, I should have noticed." Tony sighed, shaking his head, disappointed at his own negligence.  
Wanda, while not Tony Stark's biggest fan, laid her hand on his arm, calming him down. "It's not your fault, I got him out of there before it was too bad."  
"But I-"�"No, we are not playing the blame game. Come on, let’s go watch a movie." Wanda said, dragging the older man down the corridor with her.

\---  
Saturday  
\---

Losers  
[8:14] **Yeeter Parkour** : Guess which dumbass will be your tour guide today  
[8:19] **head loser** : wow I have no fucking idea  
[8:20] **Chair dude** : wait peter are you our tour guide  
[8:21] **Chair dude** : ahahahahahaha big rip  
[8:22] **head loser** : imma bring my crisis sketchbook so I can record flash's face when he finds out you actually work there  
[8:23] head loser: thank you god for this incredible opportunity  
[8;24] **Yeeter Parkour** : Im glad you find hilarity in my misery  
[8:25] **Chair dude** : this is so fucking funny peter I can't wait for today  
[8:27] **Chair dude** : WAIT WILL THE AVENGERS BE THERE???  
[8:28] **Chair dude** : PETER   
[8:29] **Chair dude** : COME  
[8:29] **Chair dude** : BACK  
[8:30] **head loser** : hurry up we need you on the bus idiot

\---

As the students loaded onto the school bus, the buzz and excitement were palpable in the air. MJ looked up from her book to see Ned jump on the bus, panting and out of breath. The girl did her standard eye roll, before lifting up her bag, and moving over to make room for the other team. The bus ride over to the tower consisted of students fangirling and fanboying, talking about what they imagine your favourite part of the trip they'll be, and consistently asking whether anyone thought they would see any Avengers. Even Flash got involved and didn't say a word about Peter's 'fake' internship, much to Ned and MJ's surprise and pleasure.  
The Midtown School of Science and Technology’s essay competition winners exited the school bus that brought them outside the massive building that housed Stark Industries/Stark Tower/the Avenger’s Tower. Everyone - even MJ and Ms Warren - looked up at the skyscraper in awe and amazement. At MJ's cough, Ms Warren shook herself and led her students into the ginormous building, and walked up to the desk with a sign saying 'Reception.'  
"Good Morning, this is the Midtown School of Science and Technology." Ms Warren told the receptionist. The man at the desk looked up in surprise,   
"Midtown? Are you Peter's schoo-ahh never mind. Let me check our schedule." After a moment of silence punctuated by the clicking of the computer mouse and keyboard, he looked up once again, smiling secretively. "Your tour guide is running a little bit late, he should be down here in the next ten minutes, can you and your students please wait to the side here." As they followed the man's instruction and moved off to the side, MJ's phone vibrated in her pocket and opened it up to see a new message from Peter, their esteemed tour guide.

[10:04] **Yeeter Parkour** : Get ur pencil ready my dude im coming bitch

MJ smirked, pulled out her sketchbook, and looked up, making eye-contact with Ned, letting him know that their friend was on his way. Hearing Peter's name, they turned around, to be met with the sight of Flash dragging Peter's reputation.  
"Penis Parker is going to be so embarrassed when we expose his lies to the entirety of Stark Industries. Hey, if we see any Avengers, we should inform them that Penis is claiming to know them." He fell silent when he saw no one was paying attention to him, but rather looking past Eugene to see Ms Warren and Peter Parker conversing. When they realized everyone was silent, they turned around, and Peter jumped in mild surprise.   
"Hello Midtown, as you all know, I'm Peter Parker, and I will be your tour guide to Stark Tower today." Flash's jaw dropped open, and MJ's pencil flew across a page furiously.   
"How the fuck, Parker? How the hell did you get this gig? Do you even have a job? I bet you just snuck in," Flash babbled, questions stumbling over each other. Flash wasn't mad, just extremely confused. The kid fell asleep in class all the time, how was he responsible enough to get a legitimate Stark fucking Internship.  
"Smooth, Flash. To answer your questions, no idea, Mr Stark just showed up at my apartment, yes, and that's impossible." Peter responded, smirking slightly. "Now, I'm going to give everyone their badges. Ned, did you bring yours?"  
The boy in question held up a badge that had Delta 4 written across it in blue and silver letters. Almost everyone in the class stared at the badge in awe, as if it was some holy relic. Peter, gaining their attention once more, started calling out names. Once everyone had received their badges, someone called out,  
"What do the different levels mean?"  
"Great question," Peter replied, smiling, "There are five different levels, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, and Omega, which you have, with 10 different sublevels in each level, with 1 being the lowest, and 10 being the highest. Omega - black and white - is for one-time visitors, Delta - blue and silver - is for frequent visitors, like Ned, or low-level staff. Gamma - green and yellow - is for scientists, Beta - purple and pink - is for high-level staff, and Alpha - red and gold - is for important figures like CEO, director, COO, you know, anyone who has extremely classified information, this also includes the Avengers, and their close family and friends. Only five people have an Alpha level 10 pass. Anyone who works here has to sign a bunch of Non-Disclosure Agreements, just like you did before you were allowed to enter the tower. Any questions?"  
Betty spoke up, "What level do you have?" Peter flushed and smiled.  
"Alpha 10, because I'm Mr Stark's personal intern, and need to be able to go wherever he goes," Peter said, before walking to the security gates and scanning his pass. F.R.I.D.A.Y's voice announced him yet again.  
"Peter Parker, CLASSIFIED, Personal Intern to Tony Stark. Alpha 10." After everyone had scanned their passes and moved to the first room. Flash sidled up to Peter and muttered under his breath,   
"You know Penis, I still don't believe you. You may have fooled everyone else, but you haven't tricked me, dipshit. I just have one question, where'd you get the money to bribe your way into this gig?" Peter rolled his eyes, used to blocking out Flash's nonsense, then stood up straight, his Spidey-senses going off. As he slowly turned, the first thing he saw was vibrant red hair. Then it was an all-black outfit, complete with a leather jacket, and finally, it was the murderous glare on Natasha Romanoff's face, indicating that she just heard everything Flash said and was extremely pissed off at the boy with the unfortunate name of Eugene. Ah shit.  
Well, Flash, I hope you rest in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the great response to the first chapter!!! It means so much too me to see people <3


	3. Now would be a good time to be anyone but me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rip flash
> 
> tbh this is now a Natasha Romanoff stan fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this is really late ohmigod i promise I'll make it up to you guys

 

"Hey Nat, how are you?" Peter asked nervously, trying to focus the spy's attention on him instead of Flash next to him. Natasha Romanoff glared at Peter and Flash before quickly rearranging her face into a smile, putting Peter instantly on edge. At recognizing the superhero, Flash tried his best to look innocent, betrayed by his eyes widening almost comically, making Natasha raise one perfectly done eyebrow, and have her address Peter's tour group, who were absolutely shell-shocked that Natasha Romanoff was Here. She didn't signal anyone out except MJ, who Peter has said a lot about, nodding at the girl, whose impeccable mask of aloofness cracked at the recognition from one of her heroes.

"Michelle, right?" MJ nodded weakly before Natasha addressed the students as a whole. "Excuse me, I just need to borrow your tour guide for a minute, feel free to look around anything in this area," she smiled, dragging Peter round a corner by his ear. "Why the fuck didn't you tell us about this kid?" Natasha questioned, concerned and furious. Peter shrugged and sighed.

"Because if all his attention is on me, he won't bother anyone else, besides he has not ever been physical so it doesn't really matter ." The young boy said. Natasha was in amazement once again at how selfless, and good-hearted Peter Parker was, before regaining her senses at the fact that he was willing to let someone bully her baby spider and refusing to do or say anything about it. At this revelation, she engulfed Peter into a warm hug.

"Peter, just because you can take it, doesn't mean you should, ok my паук? If he does it again, tell us. Tony has the best lawyers in the world, we are the motherfucking Avengers. We could do something, ok?"

"I'm sorry мама паук. If it happens again, I'll tell you, but it’s not really that big of a deal." Peter replied, melting Natasha's heart.

"It's alright Peter, I'm just going to have a word with Flash - was it?"

"Remember Nat, killing is illegal." Not responding Natasha Romanoff led Peter back to his peers so he could continue leading his tour of the tower, but not before pulling a certain Eugene Thompson aside.

Her eyes alight with fury once more, she rounded on the boy. "Listen here you little shit, if I ever fucking hear about you harming Peter ever again, I will fucking end your life," the ex-KGB assassin threatened the shaking, clearly terrified boy. "That boy is an angel, and the reason for everything good in the world. He has all of Earth's mightiest heroes wrapped around his finger, and they would all die for him, so I can assure you that if you ever harass him again, I will bring the full force of the furious Avengers down on you. This isn't a threat, it's a promise. Understand?

"Yes Ma'am, Ms Black Widow, I promise it will never happen again." Flash stuttered.

"Good. Now get back to your fellow students, I wouldn't want Peter to accuse me of kidnapping or harming you." With that, Natasha Romanoff walked off, leaving Flash questioning how the fuck Peter knew the Black Widow, and maybe if he knew Natasha Romanoff, then he might not be lying about knowing Spider-Man, he could introduce Flash to Spider-Man, because Flash definitely was very gay for the spandex-wearing, Queens vigilante.

 

\---

 

"Okay guys, gather round and listen up. We will now be entering the Avengers Memorabilia Exhibit, which hosts different mementoes from your favourite heroes, as well as 'souvenirs' from previous battles. We have thirty minutes to spend in here, so make it count." With that, Peter walked over to MJ and Ned, the latter snickering over the hilarity of their best friends leading them on a tour to his workplace and home.

"So, Mr Tour Guide, what do you recommend us to see first," Ned said, earning him a slap on the arm from 'Mr Tour Guide', before quickly speaking again. "Let's see your- I mean, let's see Spider-Man's exhibit. With a sigh, Peter allowed himself to be led over to the Spider-Man memento, Peter's least favourite part of the Exhibit because Tony had the brilliant idea of displaying his first suit - the pyjamas suit - which Peter was not the proudest of. However, it was a beautiful reminder of how far he has come, as a person, and as a hero. He scanned the information displayed, most of which he knew, owing to the fact that it was him the article was talking about, but it was the 'fun' facts that caught his eye, apparently arranged by Tony and Nat.

    - _Spider-Man likes Star Wars and plays with Lego_

_\- He is terrified of spiders_

_\- He loves the New York Mets_

_\- Spider-Man's favourite Avenger is Tony Stark_

_\- He listens to Indie Rock_

"Maybe Wanda's, it has the coolest information and demonstrations about her powers, or Pietro's, he's pretty cool, even if he's not talking to me at the moment," Peter muttered, still bitter about his and the male Maximoff's latest prank war.

"Let's go to the Scarlet Witch's, she's a badass," MJ said, making Peter lead them to the display with Wanda Maximoff's name of the plaque. At the display, there was an interactive display, in which if you mirrored Scarlet Witch's movements you could 'create' her energy balls.

'Wanda Maximoff, also known as the Scarlet Witch, is one of the youngest members of the Avengers. Volunteers for an experiment, Wanda and her twin brother Pietro, gained powers from the mind stone. Miss Maximoff gained the abilities of telekinesis, levitation, psionic force-field generation, telepathy, mental manipulation and emotional manipulation. Maximoff first helped the Avengers during the Battle of Sokovia and assisted Captain America in what is now known as the Civil War. '

Below the general information was a few facts

'Random facts about Scarlet Witch, curated by Quicksilver and Hawkeye'

    - _She is the younger twin by 12 minutes_

_\- She can play the guitar_

_\- She knows what memes are_

_\- Her favourite Avenger is Spider-Man_

_\- She had a goth phase_

Peter smiled, knowing his pseudo-sister always had his back. 

"You should all see the exhibit for Ant-Man, he clearly has the best exhibit." At this, most people turned to the speaker, one Scott Lang, audibly shocked because oh my god that's another Avenger. Peter rolled his eyes before walking over to greet his bug-bro.

"Scott, you didn't tell me you were coming. It's so good to see you" Peter exclaimed, "Why are you here?"

"The big guy called me in. Something about embarrassing you?" Scott said, intrigued by how red Peter went, and wondering if it was with embarrassment or anger.

"Excuse me, Mr Lang, but how do you know Peter?" Sally asked, curiously.

"Petey-Boy here is Mr Starks's personal intern, and unofficially adopted by the Avengers. Didn't he tell you?" Scott replied, confused.

"Actually Ned did, but no-one believed him until now." Peter cut in, unwilling for another Avenger to find out about how he was treated at school. Before Scott could question him anymore, a little torpedo raced through the room, latching onto Peter's legs.

"Peter! You're here!" Cassie yelled, apparently trying to strangle the older boy's legs.

"Hey Cass, it's great to see you-" Once again, Peter's conversations got interrupted, but this time, it was because someone fell down from the vents, apparently out of breath.

"Pete! My main hoe! Am I the first Avenger these gremlins have seen?" Clint Barton asked excitedly, gesturing to the students. Scott coughed delicately behind him.

"Sorry Birdbrain, but they've already seen Nat and Scott. You're third." Peter's class looked astonished at the greetings their classmate and Hawkeye said to each.

"Fuck." The archer eloquently replied, "If I can't be first, I'll definitely be the best." At this statement, Clint turned to the students standing silently behind them and addressed his audience. "Who wants to hear the story about how Peter wet himself the first time he met Thor." Everyone immediately raised their hands. "Excellent. Okay, so.."

 

\---

 

_Losers_

[9:45] **Chair dude** : To be fair I almost shat my pants the first time I met thor

[9:46] **Chair dude** : He's so much more good looking up close

[9:47] **Yeeter Parkour** : Im going to actually kill him

[9:48] **head loser** : you can't kill thor u motherfucking bitch

[9:50] **Yeeter Parkour** : I WOULD NEVER ATTEMPT TO KILL THOR HOW DARE YOU THINK I WOULD TRY TO TOUCH A HAIR ON HIS PERFECT BEAUTIFUL HANDSOME HEAD

[9:51] **Yeeter Parkour** : nah I mean clint

[9:52] **Yeeter Parkour** : he is now my second favourite bird-themed superhero

[9:52] **Yeeter Parkour** : ooh ik what to do to annoy the fucking shithead:)))

[9:55] **Chair dude** : dude I cant believe you called Hawkeye a shithead what the fuck is your life

 

_Avengers Ass_

[9:53] _Underoos_ changed _bestbird_ 's name to _biggesdickheadinthegalaxy_

[9:53] _Underoos_ changed _redwingfucker_ 's name to _favebirduncle_

[9:54] **favebirduncle** : as much as im not complaining about my new name what did clint do this time.

[9:55] **Underoos** : He told my FRIENDS about the time I met thor

[9:55] **Stank Man** : you mean the time you pissed yourself

[9:56] **Underoos** : YES EXACTLY

[9:56] **Underoos** : do you understand my anger??????

[9:57] **dinner plate** : Is this what the kids call a fat rip?

[9:58] **c3p0** : I believe it is

[9:58] **Underoos** : wait is captain america and the winter soldier up to date on gen z meme humour this is incredible

[10:00] **memequeen** : omg im on my way to america I cant miss this

[10:03] **Underoos** : waiT NO

[10:01] **pointbreak** : man Of spiders iS this pisSIng yourself A Formality when MeetiNg OtHers?

[10:02] **favebirduncle** : I actually have no idea to respond to that

[10:03] **memequeen** : ALSKDJFJGH RIP PETER

[10:04] **Underoos** : thor,,,,,,,,,,no

[10:05] _memequeen_ changed _Underoos_ 's name to _ripspooderman_

[10:06] **ripspooderman** : ya that's pretty fitting

[10:07] **pointbreak** : Did I do soMething Wrong TonysON?

[10:07] **ripspooderman** : im crying omg send help

[10:10] **pointbreak** : I mUSt go cOMForT the maN OF spiderS

[10:11] **ripspooderman** : that's not necessary thor

[10:15] **ripspooderman** : fuCK

[10:16] **speedyboi** : rip peter parker 2001-2019 the first person to die from embarrassment

[10:17] **ripspooderman** : shut up pietro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 300 kudos holy shit!!!  
> <3 uwu
> 
> Underoos: Peter  
> best bird: Clint  
> redwingfucker: Sam  
> Stank Man: Tony  
> dinner plate: Steve  
> c3p0: Bucky  
> memequeen: Shuri  
> pointbreak: Thor  
> speedyboi: Pietro


	4. Top 10 anime betrayals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thor and loki arrive ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this is really short blease forgive me

Peter was now dreading the arrival of Thor. While he knew the Asgardian had good intentions, he wasn't the most reliable when it came to keeping secrets, including Peter's identity. At this stage in the tour, Peter wasn't sure if he was going to come out the other end with his dignity or his secret identity intact. Peter led his classmates into the Research & Development section of the building. "Alrighty guys, we are entering the R&D labs. This is where most interns work, and where most StarkTech is invented and created. One of my labs is down here as well, so we might see that later on." The class thought about that for a minute.

"What do you mean 'one of your labs'?" Abe queried. Peter, realising his mistake, blushed.

"Oh, I have a lab down here like all the other interns, but because I'm Mr Stark's personal intern, I also have one next to his in case I need to work on something with or for him," Peter answered. The students listening looked awed and impressed, even Flash. "Everyone can wander around and ask people questions about their work, but please be respectful and if they can't talk right now, move on. Don't touch anything without permission." The teens dispersed, walking off in various directions to whatever looked the most appealing to them.

Having seen most of this before Peter turned to Ned and MJ, who decided to stay with the two boys. "I was wondering if you guys wanted to stay after this, just for dinner or overnight if you want to."

"Will Pepper Potts be there?" MJ asked.

"Ya."

"I'll stay for dinner because I don't have any clothes for tomorrow."

"Don't worry about it, you and Nat look like you'd be the same size, you can just wear her clothes, she won't mind."

MJ looked shocked at the opportunity to wear Natasha fucking Romanoff's clothes. "Ok, I'll stay overnight."

"Ned?"

"Count me in!" Ned said, with absolutely no hesitation

Peter was just starting to relax when F.R.I.D.A.Y came over the intercom.

"Peter, Thor is currently thirty seconds away from your position."

"Fuck." Peter panicked, trying to find a way to avoid any unwanted attention from the God of Thunder. Ned overheard F.R.I.D.A.Y and interrupted Peter's thoughts.

"Wait, Thor is coming here, I thought he was on Asgard?" Ned whisper-shouted to avoid gaining attention. "I haven't seen him in forever!" Peter thought Ned was very Gay for Thor. He voiced these thoughts.

"Isn't everyone?" Ned replied, truthfully. Peter had to concede the point

"Hello, children!" a voice boomed from the entrance to the labs, drawing all attention to the God of Thunder himself. "Have any of you seen Peter? It is my duty to provide the Tonyson with a hug." Peter felt like sinking into the floor or yeeting himself out of the building.

"Ohmigod is that Thor?"

"He's totally my favourite Avenger!"

"His biceps are even bigger in person!"

"Wait, did he say Peter?"

"Fuck he's so hot."

Finally, one voice rose over all the others, Peter almost sagged with his relief, at last, his saviour was here.

"He's over there brother, next to the Leeds boy," Loki told Thor, smirking.

Traitor.

"Oh my God, Loki knows my name." Peter needed to talk to Ned about his priorities, especially considering Ned had already met all of the fucking Avengers.

"Peter!" Thor ran over to the teen in question and gave him a rib-cracking hug. "Have you pissed yourself today?" Loki snickered at Thor's wording, and Peter wanted to punch him. And maybe Clint while he was at it, this was all his fault, the smug little bastard. "I am also sorry for what the Eye of Hawk has done to you." The elder God proclaimed, "If you wish, I shall swing my hammer and challenge him to a battle for your honour, young Peter." To prove his point, Thor demonstrated said swinging with his hammer, which wasn't a good idea in the labs if you didn't want everything to blow up. To stop this, Peter grabbed the hammer and snatched it away from Thor.

You could hear a pin drop. It was common knowledge that Thor and Vision were the only two people on Earth who could lift Thor's hammer, (if you are counting Vision as a person), so it wasn't really a surprise when everyone went silent the moment Peter fucking Parker held it like it was a feather. After a minute, Thor exploded with glee, "You are worthy young Peter! This is a day Asgardians and Midgardians will talk about for millennia to come!" Loki, still shocked, spoke up wryly.

"Well, you would make a much better King then the big oaf over here."

Peter looked confused until MJ spoke. "Anyone who can lift the hammer is able to rule Asgard, dumbass." Peter's eyes widened, and he shook his head furiously.

"I can't rule a planet! I don't even have a drivers license yet!" Ned snorted next to him.

While Peter continued to be the centre of attention somehow, Loki made his way over to MJ.

"You must be Michelle," The girl raised her eyebrows. "Peter has told me a lot about you," MJ smirked,

"The good or the bad?"

"You tell me. Apparently, you are really smart and funny, freaky observant, you have the best comebacks, you don't give a fuck what people think about you, and according to Peter, you are very pretty." MJ almost blushed. Peter, with his super-hearing, definitely blushed, and determinedly stayed facing the other way so MJ would not see his face.

"Didn't you try and take over New York?" MJ asked, averting the previous conversation. Loki picked up on the abrupt change but decided to go with it, explaining about how he was mind-controlled and tortured by Thanos, before picking up his phone and texting the Avengers group chat.

_ Avengers Ass _

[11:01] **monsieursnek** : so peter can lift thors hammer now

[11:02] **Stank Man** : im sorry what the actual fuck

[11:02] **speedyboi** : hah wanda and sam owe me 20 bucks get scammed

[11:03] _c3p0_ changed _ripspooderman_ 's name to _worthy spider_

[11:04] **dinner plate** : I'd normally be mad that a 15-year-old can lift something I cannot, but because it is Peter, I will make an exception.

[11:04] **Stank Man** : get rekt capsicle

[11:05] **worthy spider** : guess what gays im gonna rule asgard now

[11:06] **worthy spider** : my first rule shall be:

[11:07] **worthy spider** : when given the opportunity always quote vines

[11:09] **memequeen** : ive been trying to get t'challa to do the same thing but hes a weakass bitch

[11:10] **actual furry** : Shuri, I'm begging you, please stop

[11:11] **memqueen** : wait yeeter you can lift thors hammer

[11:12] **memequeen** : i have the best and most incredible idea

[11:13] **worthy spider** : omg yes hurry up and get here

[11:14] **memqueen** : yess mooommmm im cominggg

[11:15] **Stank Man** : oh god no you better not be doing what i think ur gonna do

[11:15] **Stank Man** : remember kid ur running a tour

[11:16] **worthy spider** : see you later Mr Stark uwuwu

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sksk i love you all so much <3 you guys have all my uwu's


	5. Howdy Do Fellow Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> enter our supreme memelord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so fucking sorry i completely forgot about this fic blease accept this crappy chapter

With every Avenger that dropped by, Peter got more stressed that his identity was about to be exposed. This fear increased tenfold when the next part of the tour was to be a tour of Bruce's labs, as well as Shuri's if she is there - and let's be honest, with Peter's dignity on the line, there was no chance she wasn't going to be there.

"We are going into Dr. Bruce Banner's lab, as you all should know, he is also the Hulk. Please do not startle or anger him, as we really don't want the big, green guy to appear." At Peter's words, the students gathered started muttering and whispering to one another, as Bruce Banner was many of their heroes, him and his 7 PhD's, regardless of the Hulk. They filed into the large lab and stared in awe at the genius.

Bruce looked flustered, maybe due to his lack of fondness for crowds. "Thanks, Peter," he turned to address the others. "Hi everyone, I'm. Bruce Banner, although you will probably know me as the Hulk, I'm Stark Industries head scientist and engineer, as well as the unofficial emergency medic." After talking for a bit about who he is and what he does at Stark Industries, he announced what was next, "I have two things to show you all, and I am going to take a vote. We can either see the newest hulk-buster suit, or we can have a robotics competition." It was very close, however the robotics one out by just two votes.

"Get into groups of two or three, and you have to build and then code the best robot you can. It must be able to walk forward, stop, turn, and then make it do one other thing of your choosing." Peter instructed his classmates, before walking over to Bruce to help observe.

"We should be getting an impartial judge to come and choose the best design, and the winners will each get to have lunch with an Avenger of their choice." At Bruce's announcement, everyone's interest was peaked, and they furiously got to work. Sighing with anticipation, Peter turned to the elder man.

"By any chance, would this impartial judge happen to be a genius princess?" He questioned, already knowing the answer.

Bruce grinned, "Sorry Pete, it was either this, or having all my research hacked into and deleted."

"Ah fuck."

 

After thirty minutes Bruce had everyone step away from their workstations, as the doors to the lab opened, a smoke machine billowed at the entrance, and Britney Spears blared from the ceiling. Princess Shuri of Wakanda looked around, saw Peter trying to avoid attention, grinned, and reverted attention to the teens gaping and staring at her. She opened her mouth and,

"Hi welcome to Chili's." Peter's peers collectively blinked, because oy my fucking god did the princess of fucking Wakanda quote a fucking vine, and then watched her walk over to Peter Parker, resident nerd, and wrap him up in a hug.

"Do you want to introduce yourself?" Peter asked.

"My name is Michael with a B, and I've been afraid of insects my entire life." At this, one Ned Leeds from the front of the lab spoke up,

"Where's the B?

"There's a B?" Shuri replied fearfully, before embracing Ned warmly, having the met the boy on previous occasions and instantly bonding over tech. At this stage, the class was even more confused. Why does a fucking princess know the fat geek? Before they had to long to question this bizarre turn of events, Bruce intervened, directing Shuri's attention, along with everyone else's, back to the robots. Shuri clapped her hands for her one true love - technology. "Let the show begin!"

Ned and MJ displayed their invention first. The robot Lastly, it was Betty, Sally and Cindy's turn to present. Their robot strutted down the catwalk provided, did a Elvis Presley style turn, and then proceeded to dance to Toxic by Britney Spears, in honour of Shuri's magnificent entrance, the music being provided by inbuilt speakers. By the end of the song, almost everyone had joined in, and many were also howling with laughter. It came as no surprise to anyone that Shuri gleefully declared the three girls the winners of the competition.

"So ladies, which Avenger do you most want to meet?" Shuri questioned as she turned to the winners.

After a moment of thinking, the three spoke almost in sync.

"Would it be possible to meet Natasha Romanoff?" Cindy asked.

"I'd like to meet Hope Van Dyne." said Betty.

"Ooh, I'd love to meet Wanda Maximoff." Sally told Shuri, who looked ecstatic that the girls all wanted to meet some female heroes, tilting her head to the ceiling to speak to F.R.I.D.A.Y, who in turn informed the girls that the heroes would be happy to meet them, and would get in touch to arrange the meetings. Shuri then informed the students that it was time to break for morning tea, and if they could follow Peter and herself to the cafeteria, they could get some food before the next part of the tour. Ned and MJ hurried to the front to walk with their friend, and with the two girls quickly introducing themselves, it wasn't long before the conservation consisted purely of dumbass things Peter, and occasionally Ned and T'Challa have done.

Once everyone was sitting down, Peter and Shuri pulled out their phones

 

New Group Chat -> worthyspider, memequeen, and pointbreak 

[12:00] **memequeen** : greetings Thor

[12:00] **worthyspider** : our favourite avenger

[12:01] **pointbreak** : heLLo my friendS

[12:01] **worthyspider** : my dear friend, heir to asgard, fellow worthy bro, I have a favour to ask of you

Memequeen changed the group chat name to Worthy bros + shuri

[12:02] **pointbreak** : anytHINg fOr You yoUNG Peter

[12:03] **memequeen** : so thor, we were wondering if our fave spider-boy over here

[12:03] **worthyspider** : could borrow ur hammer?

[12:03] **memequeen** : bleaseeeee

 

Midtown High's best and brightest were enjoying their field trip to Stark Industries when the esteemed tour guide, Peter Parker, stood up in the table.

"This bitch empty!" he screeched. In his right hand was Thor's mighty hammer. To his left, MJ, Ned and Shuri all had cameras pointed at him, filming and snickering. Peter raised his right arm, and yelled once again, "YEET!" The students watched, as if it were almost in slow-motion, as Peter let go of  Mjölnir, and threw it across the room. The hammer crashed into a wall, and the group turned to look at the thrower, who was looking at something behind the all, and they all heard him let out a squeak of, "Fuck."

The group collectively turned around to see one genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist and one ex-red, white and blue popsicle looking very annoyed at Peter Parker and his three musketeers.

Ten bucks on the following conversation being very interesting.

**Author's Note:**

> маленький паук = little spider  
> мама паук = mother spider


End file.
